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How are you raising your kids?

July 11, 2020 Shantanu Baruah

Raising children has become increasingly difficult because of extreme peer pressure, societal compulsions, rampant bullying, and social media influence. Sadly, no school teaches parenting principles and we often naively raise kids who are exposed to myriad complex social situations. And with the busy life, we all live, often we fail to notice the subtle hints they may show, which if not nipped early, often results in teenage depression, indulgence in early age bad habits, and worst of all suicide. These unfortunate incidences are in a constant increase and we see torn families, way too many than we desire.

So, what can we do about it? While there are plethoras of parenting books and material available on the web, I will attempt to distill it into few things we should stop doing and few we should begin for nurturing a healthy relationship with your children. These are ethos I have practiced raising my two kids. If you are a parent who wants to start it right with your children at an early age or someone who has a troubled relationship with your child, hope this article will provide some help. If followed with sincerity, I can assure you, this will lead to a path towards a healthy relationship with your children.

Things you should stop doing.

Comparing kids, how often after an exam you have asked your children who got the highest or asked the score of a kid who you consider has a rivalry with your kid. How often, when you are angry, you cite examples of how some of his peers are better than him/her. This single most parenting behavior is an absolute deterrent to a child’s growth. Depression, anxiety, animosity, all such words you emboss in your child’s mind unknowingly over a period of time. Stop doing it at once. If you cannot live without comparing, compare with his own self. Remember, no two kids are the same and they shouldn’t be.

Pushing children to do more, you find your neighbor’s son is learning to fence, you push your child into it. You learn there is a math Olympiad where the majority of the kids are taking part, you bulldoze your kid to participate even when she/he has no interest. Be their coach, be their friend, encourage them, explore with them what excites them, and then chart a plan based on what they desire. Don’t nurture herd mentality. You may think you are doing a boatload of goodness but in reality, all you are doing is putting undue pressure on your child.

Bribing them, “If you get straight A in this trimester, I will buy you a Nintendo Switch”, we all have this habit of bartering with our children. We believe that is the only way we can get things done. While it may sometime give short-time gain, in the long term you are inducing a dangerous behavior into them, the bargaining behavior. Rather teach them the goodness of any job you want them to undertake and how it will benefit them

Asking them to stop doing things that you think you have the license to do, this one is my favorite. We drink Cola but we don’t want our kids to drink any soda. We overwatch TV but have a different charter for them. Children look up to their parents, in the early development days they imitate their parents, you are their role model, so act and do things as you want your children to be.

Following are the things you should start doing

Say more often that you love them, hug them tell them they are special. Express it in words don’t assume they know

Praise them for their hard work and tell them results doesn’t matter as long as they put their sincere efforts

Become their friend, be their friend, make them comfortable enough so that they can talk about their crush, pain, school, and everything that is going on their mind. This will only happen when you stop reacting to every episode. If you coach them on their bad deeds rather than screaming or shouting, you will certainly attain the friend status.

It is okay for them to have an opinion. If you cannot agree, don’t force but respect them

I hope this helps.

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Life Lessons

When the other person doesn’t reciprocate

July 10, 2020 Shantanu Baruah 21 Comments

Sometimes in life, we find someone with whom we feel deeply connected. And when over time such fervor doesn’t fade, we conclude to have found our old soul. The world appears beautiful when there is a reciprocation to such ardor. But life doesn’t always turn out to be the way we desire it to be. And often when we don’t get similar enthusiasm, we feel betrayed. Some take it to their heart disposing of happiness, a few assume quietude spending time in melancholy, wasting life on things that they don’t have control over, and only a handful have the courage to move on.

So, I tell you this, don’t assume things. Maybe the other person is busy picking scattered threads of their life, maybe he/she is going through an emotional turmoil, maybe they are not feeling well, maybe they are having a bad day at work, maybe they want to respond but are constrained to say what they desire.

Give space, give time. Who knows maybe time will work in your favor? If not, then don’t waste time grieving. If your love is divine, why bother worrying about reciprocation rather channelize your energy in doing things that will please your heart. If you still can’t handle it probably it was not meant to be yours, move on with life. If the forbearance is difficult to handle, ask for help. Talking to a professional can help you find the right way.

We need to create a pathway towards gaining mental peace from such difficult hardships. It is never easy to forget, and even worse forgive. We should focus on nurturing self-belief, enthuse empathy, and put life in a righteous path for soul recovery from such mishaps.

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Life Lessons

Nurturing Relationships

July 9, 2020 Shantanu Baruah 29 Comments

In my opinion, the most complicated thing to comprehend is human relationships. And it is rightfully so, for relationship is an amalgamation of diverse attributes like emotions, resilience, aspiration, freedom, and security. The human mind is a rational grouse, worse, it never forgets and files memories, both good and bad, with equal fervor.

The bonding in a relationship never happens in a trice nor does the bitterness erupts with a sudden burst. It dwells within us over time. So, when a bond between two human beings deteriorates it is never a sudden expression, but a synthesis of overlooked emotions stashed over a period of time. The same is true when individuals’ bonds for a lifetime, for in such cases there exists empathy, respect, and enough space for each person to grow and flourish.

So, I tell you this, if you truly want to nurture a relationship, never ignore the subtle hints thrown at you from time to time. See if you can pick the signal from the noise. If you think you are treated unfairly, speak your mind, express your thoughts, be compassionate, and at times learn to forgive.

Remember, in a relationship the biggest deterrent is silence. And despite the efforts, if things aren’t working seek help. Often seen as a taboo but consulting a professional often does wonder.

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Life Lessons

Harnessing Positivity

July 8, 2020 Shantanu Baruah 33 Comments

Have you ever been caught in traffic only to realize you were trapped in the jam not because of some morning rush, or odd hour construction work or for an accident, but because a bunch of inquisitive drivers decided to slow down so that they can have a good preview of an incident that happened on the opposite side of the lane? When you reach the spot, you give a good peek and then become frustrated, cursing how people have lost their senses, never acknowledging that you subconsciously did the same when the occasions presented itself. But isn’t it a common episode in our lives? We are always curious to find out about things that hardly concerns us. And despite the fact that we may not be able to offer any help, we still crane our necks to get a glimpse of the scene.

Some of us do demonstrate the same behavior in our daily lives too. Anything related to others interests them. Querying about other endeavors, gossiping, weighing into other decisions, judging people, and spreading half-known facts to the community at large. We may not realize, but such behavior does more harm to ourselves than others. Like how the cars slowed down in a traffic jam, we throttle our own progress wasting energy and time discussing others. More we indulge in such behavior more we defocus from what is important often resulting in mediocre outcomes.

So, I will tell you this. The secret to happiness is taking interest in one’s own life and let gossip be a charm for the ostensible minds. I know it is easier said than done and our long-nurtured habits are so hard to shun off, but it can be easily done by harnessing a positive attitude. To remain positive is a skill one can acquire. Like how a craftsman chisel stone over time to create a masterpiece, you can do the same with your habits. While it is a skill to be learned over a lifetime, by taking small steps you can excel it over time.

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Life Lessons

Anger Management

July 7, 2020 Shantanu Baruah 35 Comments

Life in the 21st century is chaotic, to say the least. Earning a decent living needs hard work and often leads to a stressful life. Running errands, dealing with work pressure, children’s education, emotional turmoil, life has become a rollercoaster. And to add to the misery, we have externalities to deal with, which we don’t have any control on, such as traffic, general unrest, political opinions, societal obligation are to name a few.

Dealing with such a fast pace life one thing we subconsciously acquire is anger. We are generally angry about everything. Angry because we didn’t get a promotion, angry because kids don’t listen to us, angry because there is too much to do, angry because we are stuck in a traffic jam, angry because the government is not doing things as we desire. And that anger we, unfortunately, show it to our loved ones more, for ironically, they are the ones we can vent without thinking about any reprimand.

Sit down for a few minutes, ponder, and reflect on such incidences. Your child wants to play with you, you are too tired and when your child insists you shout. Your wife asked you to accompany her to a neighbor’s house over the weekend, and you screamed for her to be insensitive that you only get the weekend to rest. You shout you scream, and you grumble all for nothing.

So, I tell you this. If you are a victim of someone else’s anger, remember agitation often happens when people are helpless. Try to reason with them, calm the other person down instead of retaliating with equal vigor. And if you are the one who is always angry, remember no battle was ever thwarted, no hearts were ever won, no success had ever thrived when anger was around. The first step of anger management is acknowledgment. Once you achieve that, the rest is to create a path towards calming your senses. Spend time alone, when anger comes, take a deep breath, divert your attention, engage in a hobby outside of your regular life, and despite the efforts, if you are still unable to take control of your life see a life therapist for help.

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Advice to my 13 year old son

Life Lessons

Advice to my 13-year-old son – Post on Medium

June 29, 2020 Shantanu Baruah 22 Comments

Please click on the link below to read my story in Medium. Please do give a clap (equivalent to like on the medium site) if you like the post.

Life Lessons

A new Today

April 23, 2020 Shantanu Baruah 4 Comments

There are days when nothing goes according to the plan, you feel you worked the entire time, yet the outcomes are dismal, and all you find at the end of the day is some botched vision, a clogged mind, and a clumsy recollection of failed thoughts.

But then you wake up the next day, determined and resilient, ready to brace the challenge. And you find all the misplaced thoughts and the convoluted views, magically disappear in a trice. The miscreant grayness vanishes into oblivion and life welcomes you with an enticing charm. Then sitting on that armchair, you ponder and reflect, all you need is a good night’s sleep and a belief that there is always a brighter time ready to welcome you and embrace you in its arm.

Reflection of an overthinking mind

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